Have you ever felt failing during parenting chaos? Ever wondered what way to choose or trying to find a strategy for making your kids do what you want? Have you ever felt lost or confused in controlling and disciplining kids!
When it comes to parenting there’s no “One size fits all” kind of strategy. Parenting is experimenting, failing and trying again. Parenting is not a time bound, rules bound, right or wrong kind of thing. Its a day by day, week by week and sometimes may be a moment by moment job.
At times everything seems smooth like a flowing river and sometimes everything seems rigid like a rock. There are moments of utter chaos that pops out of nowhere. Suddenly you feel a cool breeze transforming into a tornado without any warning sign. You can’t find a way to move out of it. You either burst out in anger/ frustration or want to run away in your den to avoid the chaos. This results in a communication gap, which if not filled properly can lead to an emotional disconnect between you and your child commonly termed as “Generational Gap”.
At all these times the first thing we need to check is our long term goal. Whether we want to win this momentary battle against our child or we want to teach them to be warriors of life. So if your answer goes close to the second option, there are certain steps which if done strategically can help you avoid impending disaster and help achieve that long term goal.
To start with, take a deep pause. Though this may be the most difficult thing to do at times but it will be most rewarding for sure. Whatever may be the situation, stop listening to your heart and move to your brain chamber and say to it “ Everything is fine. We can sail through this!” Calm down to the best possible level and try certain prethough strategies. Here is a list of few things to try, to navigate your way out of these chaotic scenes:
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Care:
Care here is to see for physical safety. In any chaotic situation physical safety of everyone present is of utmost priority. Ensure safety either by removing objects, holding your child, holding on an object, moving out of the situation whatever is best in that moment to ensure physical safety of everyone around.
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Camera view:
Observe with all your senses what’s going around. Observe what the child is doing, what they are experiencing, what exaggerated the situation and observe what others are doing. Within a splash of a second just observe without any judgement or thought. Observe to understand and not to react.
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Comfort:
Comfort your child by physical gestures like bending on the knees, reaching their eye level, rubbing their back, holding hands, putting hand over their shoulder or anything which is comfortable for you and your child. Listen to what the child has to say and how they are feeling. Listening to them doesn’t mean you approve of their behaviour.
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Connect:
Connect with your child by validating their feelings. Making yourself and then making them understand why they feel that way. Ensure not to debunk their feelings by avoiding or distracting from them. Child feels safe when they get this feeling of being felt. No feelings or thoughts are right or wrong. Make sure to communicate this to your child so they can connect with you at all levels.
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Correct:
Correction doesn’t mean trying to change a child’s feelings. Correct the child by making them understand their feelings, why they feel so and what can be done to tame these feelings. Also,correction here doesn’t mean superimposing your thoughts or rules over kids but to correct the situation in the best possible way. A way that’s agreed upon or is in the best interest of everybody around including your child. No matter how small your child is, they have their own sense of individuality which needs to be respected. “Respect is the way to express love and not a way to express hierarchy!”
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Consider:
Consider or revisit the situation afterwards when the tornado has passed and everything seems back to a cool breezy state. Talk with your child about the things which were not comfortable for your child and for you. Map out the ways to be used next time when you both face the similar situation again. This will surely help you and your child to be more calm in future similar situations. Sometimes the kid will not like to talk about it or want to completely avoid the topic, respect their choice. Try talking at some other time or in some other situation. If it’s important for you to express and the child is not willing to talk, clear your feelings and your points of concern. Kids are definitely listening to us even if they pretend otherwise.
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Celebrate:
Don’t forget to celebrate or pat yourself after you navigate through the maze of chaos. You will not come out clean every time but you will gain certain experience every time. Coming out of it with minimal scars has to be our objective rather than being stuck at some or the other angle. Join in with your child to celebrate these moments. It doesn’t have to be a party. A high five, a simple hug or a simple drink is enough to feel boosted and accomplished.
Try these steps next time your parenting feels chaotic. It may not be possible initially to follow all 7 all the times still whatever you try do it with mindfulness to get maximum outcome. Remember these 7 Cs and see by yourself how you can handle any drama with intelligence and somewhat perfection.
